Not Ready Yet

Not ready yet

I'm still not ready to not have my daddy. It's been five years and I miss him still and I guess I always will.I miss him on big holidays and events like Father’s Day, but it’s the little things that bring tears to my eyes, that make me catch a ragged breath, that make me miss him even more.

• ·         Seeing tables of books with the sign FATHER’S DAY BOOKS and wondering, has Dad has already read that?
• ·         Hearing Faded Love by Patsy Cline, or On the Road Again by Willie Nelson, or Have Mercy by The Judds and wondering if Dad’s voice is now in tune as he sings in heaven.
• ·         Gazing at the cover of To Kill a Mockingbird and still wondering if he saw the book and read it on his own or if he had an English teacher who assigned it to a class of white high school freshmen in Rome, Georgia, in 1960.
• ·         Noticing that he was reading a new book almost every day from hardback bestsellers to paperback spy novels from the grocery store and wondering if he, too, is waiting excitedly for the next Daniel Silva novel to come out in July.
• ·         Hearing someone order a coffee with two sugars makes me anticipate his voice following up the order with I’d appreciate it and wondering if I will ever learn to drink “real”, not candy bar (Dad’s reference to the fancy stuff at Starbucks) coffee.
• ·         Understanding in so many more ways, now that I am fifty, what life is not fair truly means and wondering if Dad felt that it was not fair that his life was cut short before he got to do all he wanted here on earth.

I have so much more discuss with my dad.  This is a partial list. I am sure I will think of other things as I live and work and travel this year.

• ·         The good things and bad things I have been going through.
• ·         The books I'm reading and which ones I liked and which ones I didn’t
• ·         The books he’s reading and what he would recommend or let me borrow
• ·         All the people I meet while traveling and the funny things I see and hear. I know he would get my silly, punny sense of humor.
• ·         The many places I’ve been since I last saw him and all the adventures I have been on with friends, family, and on my own.
• ·         Lord have mercy, the Trump presidency would be a very interesting topic
• ·         EFM and all that it meant to me.
• ·         My trip to Israel and all the amazing places I visited
• ·         Trying out for Jeopardy again with the online test.

 I know I am blessed to have so many wonderful memories of my Dad. He was a man with integrity in his professional life and he lived and loved to the fullest in his personal life.  He was always my champion and my best editor. I miss you, Dad, today and always.